Attention Art Teachers!

Mr. Munson's 4th Period shop class NEEDS your help!

Next wednesday, please park all of your volvo station wagons near the vo-tec wing and leave your keys with Mr. Munson.

We know you ALL have volvo wagons, art teachers. ALL of you!

Van Halen is LAME

Check the link above - LAME!

Metallica has already done the whole go-into-rehab-and-screw-your-bandmates-and-fans thing, so this isn't even cool at this point.

It's just sad, Eddie.

Katie Couric is rotting like a bad tomato

What the hell happened to her? She looks like a wax version of Krusty the Clown melting on the driveway. Her arms are like pantyhose stuffed with tofu.

I kind of feel bad that her ratings suck, but people don't watch CBS for news, they watch it for amazing crime dramas. Still, you'd think there'd be some overlap in the NCIS demographic and the Katie Couric demongraphic.

And Merideth Viera is scary too, but at least she's got a nicer personality. At least when she interviews people she doesn't constantly interject her own opinions. And at least with the way she interacts with the rest of the Today Show team viewers believe there's a chance that she's human on the inside.

Snow Day

I think the reason that daytime TV sucks so much is probaby that it's the "system's" way of telling us all to go get a job.

ATTENTION PREDATORS!

Are you tired of lurking in the shadows? Do you long for the attention you deserve? Do you like it when little boys pee on you?

Good News! Now YOU can get your 15 minutes of fame!

NBC is now holding open auditions for it's hit new show, sweeping the country, TO CATCH A PREDATOR. That's right, this is your chance to meet Chris Hanson, the host of TO CATCH A PREDATOR, the host America loves to hate. Sure, he talks funny, and sometimes we don't understand his quirky expressions, but still...you can't take your eyes off of him!

Open tryouts are coming soon to a town near you. To find out more information, just send an Instant Message to MelCareBare13 or coTtoNpaNtieS12 telling our young lovelies the things you like to do when you're home alone watching PBS on Saturday mornings.

Good Luck, America!

Heroes last night

What the friggin' frig? I love Heroes, definitely my favorite show. I think I can even say, with a certain amount of confidence, that I prefer Heroes to Law and Order now. Anybody that knows me knows that means a lot.

But last night's show was like one giant commercial! There just seemed to be way too many commercial breaks, and this on top of the prominence of that damn Nissan Armada in the Bennet's driveway! I have a problem with a good show selling out like this - not only selling product placements within the show, but then also having too many commercials during the break.

Hell, I kept flipping over to the Thomas Crowne Affair. The original one! I had time to watch some pointless seen with a dunebuggy out in the waves. I guess it wasn't completely pointless, because dunebuggies are cool.

Anyway, too many commercials. NBC has to watch itself, because of a few facts here:

1) Overall, their network sucks. ER is like stinky old cheese that only strange Brits think is awesome. Merideth Viera looks like a creepy witch, although she's nice. I don'think they cover one decent sport anymore. There just aren't many reasons to tune in.

2) GE, as a whole, isn't quite the cash cow it once was, in part due to NBC sucking wind.

3) People like Heroes, but people don't like extra commercials. Plus you already have product placements!

I just think that you gotta leave well enough alone. The show isn't even a year old, and they're already willing to dilute it's 1-hour block of television with these extra ads. I don't think people will respond too well.

Plus, what the hell is the Black Donnelys? It's like Sleepers meets the Boondock Saints in a blender, and comes out all messed up and crappy.

Here's an equation for success, NBC - Monday nights - 9:00 - Heroes. 10:00 - another episode of Heroes. Wednesday, all day - law and order. Thursday - all day - Law and Order and Seinfeld repeats.

Dave Grohl is Awesome

Why I love Dave Grohl:

Seriously his balls must be made of titanium, with pubes of perfect white gold. This man rocks, and rocks with such authority that you stand up and take notice and you enjoy that rock.

When Dave Grohl was born, I bet his guardian angel needed earplugs to block out the heavan-sent rock aura that surrounds Dave Grohl. He has a psychadelic halo, and this is true absolute fact because a gypsy outside of Fort Myers told me so.

When Dave Grohl was 7 years old a bully pushed him up against a wall and demanded his lunch money. Dave Grohl responded by imediately thumping the rhythm of "Wipeout" all over the bully's face with his little seven-year-old fists until the bully had wet poops streaming down his legs. From that day forward, Dave Grohl brought peace to kids at school.

Dave Grohl probably doesn't remember the first song he wrote, but I bet it was some awe-inspiring ruckus mixing the best parts from "We Will Rock You" and the theme from the A-Team into one huge, messy hella-rock extravaganza.

Dave Grohl, I'm talking directly to you right now, you are righteous.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dave Grohl once rocked a see-through guitar! Can your mind even handle how awesome that is? Probably not. You probably can't even beging to comprehend how rock-amazing Dave Grohl is because you're probably sitting at home sipping Earl Grey and listening to Glen Miller Orchestra.

While you wallow away in your own pathetic, lackluster life petting your stupid cats, Dave Grohl makes out with rabid rotweillers just to prove a point. He tames them. He pulls out a see-through guitar, he starts rocking it while also using his feet on his kick drum and hi-hat, and just rocks the shit out of those rabid, killer beasts until they are calm and docile and amazing.

But those dogs would still tear the crap out of your stupid cats because Dave Grohl wills it.

The best part about Dave Grohl is that he's not all rock-your-face-off all of the time. No, no, no my friends. Dave Grohl knows how to woo the ladies as well. He can go up to a gentle sweetheart like Norah Jones and be like, "let's collaborate," and Norah Jones is totally helpless. She's like, "Yes, Dave Grohl. If you will it, let it be so."

And then, just to prove his point, Dave Grohl puts it on his album. Wrap your minds around that.

When Prince covered a Foo Fighters' song at the superbowl, it made Prince instantly 25 times cooler and, a lot of people don't know this, the following things happened to prince that week:
1) He won two scratch-off games and got like 175 bucks
2) His car got 27 miles-per-gallon for the week, and normally it's around 24
3) Most American's forgot entirely who even played in the superbowl, but everyone loved Prince.

And that's all just because Prince publicly admitted that he loves Dave Grohl!

In a cage match, Dave Grohl could absolutely whoop Britney Spears.

When they toured together, Dave Grohl made Weezer look like the friggin' smurfs. And I like Weezer.

For breakfast, Dave Grohl likes to have two eggs, over medium, and whole wheat toast with spackle on it because THAT'S HOW HARDCORE DAVE GROHL IS! If you can even fathom it, he washes it down with a glass of Draino and then burps up amazing power-chords.

This is what I'm doing

I just ate a whole pack of pez, all at once.

I've started writing a book. It's about the Oregon Trail, kind of. Not the game, but certainly the game is what sparked my love affair with the history.

The wife is worried that, like my songs, it's going to be all about breaking up. It won't though, because in my book the wife is already dead, and it begins with one of the children dying.

I can't figure out why the wife doesn't think I'm ready for kids yet.

Let week we taught the dog to "speak" because he never barks. Now he barks all the time and always expects a treat for it. Oh well, live and learn.

John Mayer is Edward Scissorhands

What happened to everything?

I haven't written in a while, but that's okay because nobody reads this anyway. Mixed feelings about Anna Nicole passing - on the one hand, should I feel bad? while on the other hand, why would I feel bad?

It's good to see Bob Nardelli taking some heat in his departure from Home Depot. I don't like Home Depot because a) there's never any help, b) I'm always afraid something is going to fall off of the pallett racking and kill me, and c) it's over priced. I can get a three pack of fuses at ACE for less than one fuse at Home Depot. They bullied out the knowledgable, helpful, little guy in many markets to replace him with a business model tailored for contractors.

Anyway, I'm glad that Nardelli's departure is again bringing some attention to overpaid CEOs. You look at his story and you're like, "this guy really didn't do anything all that special during his tenure, and yet he's walking away with MILLIONS!"

Nobody's here but me at work today, and I wonder if they have all quit. I am definitely not qualified to run my own business.

The price for terrorism

The whole fiasco in Boston did more for Turner and his networks than he could have imagined. The word of mouth spreading because of this is, the morning after the super bowl, giving Turner and his brands as much as if not more water-cooler-talk-time than any of last night's advertisers. Extinding the 15-minutes of fame by agreeing to pay Boston $2 million was a terrific decision, and well worth the investment.

It's not about Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or the Cartoon Network, with this one. It's about building equity in the Ted Turner brand.

RETIRE ALREADY!

You aren't that good any more. And everyone else has moved on. Your teammates aren't as good as they used to be. Save yourself whatever dignity you have left and just retire, please.

Watching you play is like watching a three-legged dog trying to keep up at the dog park. Or watching those birds at the zoo with their wings clipped trying to fly. It's just sad.

Toothpaste

I think the mint industry should sue the toothpaste industry for giving everyone mint burnout. Toothpaste should come in flavors of things that aren't that good for us but that we like to eat. Imagine what a better place this world would be with lard or taco-bell flavored toothpaste.

Biden for Prez!

Maybe when Biden get's elected president he'll name Mel Gibson as our official diplomatic ambassador to Israel.

That's disgusting!

Sarah Silverman is dating Jimmy Kimmel? What? And has been for 4 1/2 years? What? What a waste?

I would expect Jimmy Kimmel to date either a) some sort of walrus, b) Anna Nicole, c) Elvis' daughter, or d) some ditzy, blond arm candy.

Artists: Just say, "No!" to your own mediocrity!

The Shins are boring. They got on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago and made me fall asleep. They should not claim to be all artistic and that their music is all good and stuff when, in reality, it is boring.

Also the way they dress makes me want to beat them up and take all of their lunch money.

Fallon sucks!

Garmin's got a superbowl ad, put together by Fallon, the super-agency.  The ad is completely void of originality.

Read about Garmin's ad here: http://garmin.blogs.com/ 

Now look at this:



I have a real problem with the lack of originality here. This is a shame. Garmin is a great company that's totally been played by a lazy, unoriginal agency.  Garmin's forking over a small fortune for a spot to run during the Super Bowl, and sadly it's going to come off as a lame attempt at achieving the same level of "cool" as this Pepto Bismol commercial.

Fallon sucks.

Note: Jimmy Fallon is still cool

The homeless

Sometimes I feel bad when homeless bums come up to me and say, "Hey man, I'm 
just trying to get some bus fare," and I cut them off and say, "I don't have any cash." 

Homeless bums should adapt to the times and accept my Visa Check Card.  Then I would certainly pay their bus fare so that they would get out of here.

Sometimes when I'm in the car and I catch a red light right at a homeless bum intersection I feel bad that I don't have cash to give.  At these times, I usually dig around in my car until I find something to give the homeless bum.  Typically I give them something from my lunch.  Something that my wife snuck in there that I don't even really want that much, like fruit or rice cakes or anheuser busch products.

I hope homeless bums like that stuff.

Miserable retail

The other day we had a harrowing experience at a Verizon Wireless store.  Along with one of the business owners, I went to upgrade some phones to the new Motorola Q.  On a previous visit, one of the salespersons had told us we could change one of the phones for the advertised price of $99.

These are the problems that we encountered at the Verizon Wireless store:
1) Ben, the individual helping us, did not stand up straight at all.  Not only that, he didn't know what the hell he was doing and constantly had to ask some other guy for help.
2) "New Hire" was in training to learn and was standing around not doing anything.  Ben was training him.
3) The most senior individual there who Ben kept asking for help ended up losing a sale because he couldn't deal with his own customer.  He was really pissed, went in the back room, and screamed.
4) They would not upgrade our phones for the advertised price.  Here we were, willing to spend money and upgrade our monthly plan (considerably, I might ad, VZW ain't cheap!), and they wouldn't do it.
5) They informed us that we would be totally out of contract in a few months, and we could renew then.

In short, they were completely inept, wouldn't take our money that we wanted to spend, couldn't find a way to sell us the phones we wanted, and told us how to get out of our contract.  This is a retailer doing it all wrong.  One of my favorite sites, Brand Autopsy, today asks the most important question about a retailer: Would you miss them if they were gone?  In Verizon's case, no.  I'd get someone else.  

In a crowded marketplace such as cellular phones it is vital to stand out from the crowd.  Technology is giving everyone a strong network and everyone great, cool phones.  As soon as customer service starts to go, you've really got something to worry about.